My daughter lay asleep beside me and I had eaten the cookies for Santa, so my belly was full and so was my heart. I was just enamored with Jesus as thoughts of him flashed through my mind. I prayed and was thanking God for transforming my heart totally within a year. I'd fought him for 29 years and in a matter of 365 days and more, I'd finally conceded to not living lukewarm after 12 years of finding Christ and running from my calling of being an evangelist. With my head on the pillow, I realized that I could not fall asleep. "God," I pleaded. "Please let me sleep. I just want to sleep." I tossed and turned and then I started to pray because something was weird. I could not breathe and I fought through breaths. I looked at my daughter sleeping lifelessly next to me and I got up and keeled over to pray even more. And that's when it happened (insert evil voice here), "Yes, so you was the best of friends to ________ and you see how he repaid you. So not your friend. Yes. God told you to help him but look where it got you. Trusting in God failed you." "You try to help everyone but you get hurt in return, stupid girl. And you just threw your doctorate degree away, to pursue ministry. You got so close only to choose God!" "You can't preach to anybody because you are messed up yourself. Your past is stained and no matter what God says you are still filthy. You're dirty. A wretch."
"But, my daughter, she loves me," I screamed moving my hair from my face. "My family, they, they l-l-love me. My best friend she is always there."
"Really, they do?" The voice chuckled as it got louder. So I buried my face in my pillow and started quoting scriptures and demanded it to flee. For the Bible tells us: "So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" (James 4:7).
That's when it got louder and said the unthinkable, "YOU MIGHT AS WELL KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE NOBODY CARES FOR YOU. NOBODY CARES! GOD DOESN'T CARE!"
This made me livid, "Excuse me, but my daughter, over there, laying near me -- she c-c-cares. She loves me like crazy and you know what, GOD loves me. Jesus loves me so much that he died on the cross and you, you coward, you GOT KICKED OUT OF HEAVEN so it sucks to be you. Now leave me alone. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE." I quoted more scripture in a rapsong fashion. I remember saying this: "Exodus14:14 StaycalmtheLordwillfightforyouIfGodbeforyouwhocanbeagainstyouRomans8:31. I DEMAND YOU TO FLEE." And then from nowhere I think this: "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8).
I looked up and it was silent. I looked around the quiet room. I was shaking uncontrollably and I wanted to call someone but God whispered, "My child, you have just defeated the enemy with simply your faith in me and my word. Some cave in but you fought back. My child, I am here with you. Always."
Exhausted, I fell asleep in my Daddy's (God's) loving arms. When I awoke Christmas morning, my hair was a mess and my pajamas frumpled. I wanted to know why my mind was attacked, had I done something wrong? I shook the thoughts away, prayed to God and preceded with my Christmas plans and went downstairs to open presents with my daughter. As I opened my first gift from my sister it was this book:
|Be Determined - Always|
Did you see the title and subtitle? Be Determined: Standing Firm in the Face of Opposition. WOW! And God doesn't care for me? Really?
"Why did you get this book of all books?" I asked my sister.
"I overheard you yesterday talking on the phone about Nehemiah and I was reminded how much you love him so I went to get it yesterday from the Christian bookstore on West Broad," she replied.
My mouth gaped open as I realized that God was looking out for me through my "family" even though the enemy tried to tell me they did not care for me and I knew they did. I was AWESTRUCK. My sister got the book about 8 hours before my attack. God had ALREADY paved the way for me to see HIS glory and HIS plans for my life.
"What's wrong?" My sister asked.
"Nothing." I said. I wasn't sure that I wanted to reveal to her about the enemy attacking me.
I opened up the book and lo and behold this is what I read as the title of the first chapter:
AMAZING. Remember the enemy told me that "Nobody cares about you. So kill yourself." Now how can we say God is NOT real? This was NO COINCIDENCE at all. Had I taken my life as the enemy demanded, I would've never lived to see God's plan for me. God has been preparing me to be an evangelist and the enemy tried to take me out. I've been through a lot this year. I lost a lot of friends and I gave my entire heart and life to Christ with NO regrets. Not one. I am another servant whom God is preparing to spread the good news of Jesus Christ to the world but since I have not set foot in a pulpit (well not to preach anyway) yet, what better way to make sure that I never spread Christ than have me kill myself.
That's why the enemy visited me as an attempt to take me out before Christmas and to create havoc for all who believe in Christ on such a holiday - a time of jovialty, merriment, and mirth. Imagine how devastating that would have been if I were weak and doubting God. That's why it is important to guard your heart and KNOW who is GOD. If you don't then, you have NO ammunition to destroy the enemy with. If the enemy would've got me to kill myself then imagine how weak that would make me look as a Christian and the people who know me would question how could I do that when I appeared to be so strong in my faith. But I made the enemy look like a fool in his quest to taunt me by reminding him that HE GOT KICKED OUT OF HEAVEN. You see, sometimes you have to REMIND the enemy of his demise. He is exiled from heaven so he doesn't want ANYONE ELSE TO GET THERE. Don't allow the enemy to cheat you of your seat in paradise. Whatever God called you to do, it will happen in HIS timing, not ours. Just know the enemy doesn't want people on God's side and he will stop at nothing to avenge his pitiful cause. But God will comfort you. And to further show how much he loves me, God had a prophetess speak these words last night:
|Thank you, Woman of God!|
As I mentioned before, I have heard of people being attacked but never experienced it personally. The enemy is real. The enemy wanted to hinder me from doing what God wants me to do so he attacked my mind. And what he did not know is that I suit up for the battle daily and thankfully, I never suit down before I sleep. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes (Ephesians 6:11). I stay armored. Ready for battle. Do you?
I close with this scripture: "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand" (Ephesians 6:13). Just as I am today and always, I stand.
I'm Still Standing!