May 31, 2013

From Porn's Grip to Jesus's Arms: A Woman's Confession

I hurt. I heal. I get bent but I am never broken beyond God's repair. 

There, I'm exposed. Authenticity is so important to me as a regenerated Christian. You see, I believe that every struggle I endured, every burden I carried was so that someone else would not go that route. Our testimonies, hidden sin, and anything that holds us in bondage and away from God’s will, plan, and purpose in our lives are meant to be shared because God’s strength is made evident in our weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9). Our strongholds can help someone else. With that said, come with me as I recall a season of darkness in my life and how it changed me forever………

This blog has been mentally written at least 25 times with constant revisions. I was embarrassed and ashamed initially, but then I had to remember this sin was conquered on the cross and to keep this to myself was selfish and not honorable to God. Our testimonies are meant to be shared because they help others. While conviction gnawed at me last night,  as I was perusing Twitter, I saw a retweet on a blog Lauren DeMoss wrote on the pornography (hereon out known as porn)  industry in 2012 and how it not only hurts the addict but those who love the person as well.  As I read her entry, my heart started churning as I had to relive the pain and agony of my dark, treacherous past.

My first encounter with porn was in the movie House Party as a child. I can recall the scene so vividly. Though no skin was shown, this “fat” guy was in a bed making this woman scream. I knew it was painful but she was not resisting his movement. The thought stayed in my mind and the noises turned me on, as a six year old. Weird, I know.  Sadly, the seed was planted. So imagine coming home one day from school and seeing porn on the television screen. Yes, someone had left their filthy habit for me to see and infiltrate my mind to only disillusion me for most of my life. 

Even as a little girl, I became curious with the act of sex, not fully knowing what it was but knowing the “sounds” did something to me.  When I began living on my own, I desired to know more about sex, so porn became my result. Over the years, I watched it more and more. Then I got married and because my husband was in the military and gone often, I felt porn was necessary to keep me afloat. Fidelity was never an issue with me (or so I thought but when you watch porn it replaces your spouse and that is infidelity and when you are a single Christian watching porn, it taints the image of your future spouse as porn creates unrealistic expectations of intimacy).

Fast forward to a year of marriage and my husband notices a change in me. I began to watch porn more and discovered that I wanted my sex life to be “that way” so I pestered my husband. He was uncomfortable and wanted to love me in a softer more passionate way but I was insistent that the only pleasure I could receive was the porn way. The seed had grown bigger – porn had diluted intimacy for me. And it showed.  And as my husband deployed to Central America, so did my love for him. It is not rocket science, porn is sinful – period. Porn had jaded me and I began to take my eyes off my husband and placed them on another man who told me he could “give it to me like I wanted.” And I fell for the enemies trap. Just like that. I was baited. I did not flee temptation at all. I ran to it and it cost me – A LOT. 

I had slipped into an affair before I realized how far gone I was.  But that is what sin does. Let me break it down for you.  Porn creates lust. Lust causes you to be covetous. That covetry caused me to take my eyes off my husband and robbed me of my purity which led to adultery. And eventually divorce.  Is that not major? How do you think my husband felt that he could not measure up to some guy on a computer screen? Better yet, how would you feel? Guess what? That is exactly how your loved ones feel. Porn doesn’t just destroy the addict; it destroys the lives of those who love them as well. I have to live with my sin every day, though I know now God has forgiven me for it because I truly repented.

You see, porn is murderous. It murders the purity of the mind and body and it is also covetous as it robs the body of what intimacy really is. Porn is ravenous, malicious, and ostentatious.  It causes men and women to get extreme pleasure in an ungodly way. It taints purity and intimacy to the point where sex becomes a fleshly battle constantly warring against a senseless affliction of a pretentious display of love. Your spouse will never compare to a porn star in your eyes because you begin to desire what you see behind the screen instead of who God has placed in your life. And it hurts that person extremely bad that you would rather give more of yourself to a fake than the real.

I never knew I had a porn addiction because first of all I was a lukewarm Christian; I was doing what the world was doing and I thought the world was right.  Holiness and righteousness was not taught nor preached to me. Porn was never discussed in the pulpit and most Christians I know watched it, loved talking crudely about sex, and was having premarital sex. And that is sad of the moral stain and perversion porn has on our lives. It is NOT God’s norm and standard.  

What the world justifies and condones is what God rebukes and condemns.  I was so addicted that I had my favorite sites and videos. And guess what, I wasn’t the only one. They were viewed by millions –everyday. I was so addicted that I knew the actors and scenery by name and detail. And when the sites were down because of extreme viewership I would sit by the computer waiting or result to other sites to get my fix. I was drowning in sin – lust was my bait and I had caught on to it effortlessly.  After each episode, I would emerge back into reality, empty and dissatisfied. Until in 2011, I realized I was a porn addict and it was time to let it go and  I stopped – cold turkey.

Why? It’s not that easy you say. Maybe not for you, but I imagined my Savior Jesus Christ on that cross and I realized THEN that I was not crucifying him again. I LOVED JESUS MORE THAN I LOVED SIN. And sins of the flesh has consequences – many consequences. I ran to God in my moment of despair and shame. Like Paul I cried out to Him, “God please remove this thorn from my flesh. I no longer want to kill my spirit and hurt my family with this addiction I have. Please God, take it away. I love you more. My heart hurts that I idolize porn and gave it all of me when you deserved the best of me. God, please, help me. Please God. Take my hand and hold it.”

I admit that I backslid and watched porn once a few months after that but I felt so bad and finally I gave it up. I can proudly say that I have not watched porn in almost two years and I do not have the desire to. I began to hate the things that God hates and my Abba Father hates sin. It is said that, “Sin should be a stench in your nostrils,” and that is so true to me.  The mere thought of willful and intentional sin makes me want to vomit. I get nauseous just thinking about it. That which I used to love, I now hate, detest, and loathe. The emptiness and voids that porn left me with are now replaced with a fullness and wholeness in God. Nothing else will ever compare to His unconditional love. I chose God over porn.  But that’s me and my relationship with God and conviction of the Holy Spirit.  For some it is not that easy but I will offer advice for any struggling with porn addiction:
  • Flee temptation.  Paul warns us to, Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body”  (1 Corinthians 6:18). Did you see Paul’s verb usage (insert silly English teacher excitement here)? He did not say walk, crawl, or look back at. No. He said “flee.” That means RUN? GET OUT! Pretend Freddy Kreuger, Bloody Mary, Candy Man, Michael Myers, or Jason is after you!
  •   Guard your heart, mind, and thoughts“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” (Jeremiah 17:9). Stop it. Do not watch porn. Burn all the DVDS and computer archives. Destroy your computer if you have to. Remember the husband from the movie “Fireproof?”  He beat his computer with a bat to get rid of it since it was the source of his porn addiction. Yes, it is “that” serious. Your soul is at stake. Don’t allow women to send you provocative pictures. Unfollow ungodliness on social media (Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc). Delete apps like Kik, Keek, Skype, Oovoo, etc. You can not afford to desire to have many women or men in your life if you struggle with lust. It will lead to porn in some form. Get rid of it. Paul said “flee” temptation, remember? Get an Obama phone and get rid of your smart phone and all of its advances that makes porn so readily accessible.  True, you can get filters but you cannot filter sin. A filter is a preventive measure on your phone or computer.  Initially that is great but the real defeat of sin is when it is before your face, WILL YOU FLEE TEMPTATION?  I truly believe technology is great and yet a bane on society. It makes sin that much easier and tempting with all the numerous ways one can indulge in an affair, watch and view immoral things. Also, turn your face from women who cause you to lust. Don’t read books, watch movies or sitcoms, or listen to music that flares your flesh.  If you know you struggle with lust then STARVE your flesh and stop claiming your struggle and start beating that sin into the ground.
  • Find an accountability partner to confide in but do not replace them with God. Many people “depend” on someone to help them flee temptation. But as Jesus was tempted by the enemy three times while in the desert, there was no Paul or John the Baptist there to save him. All he had was God and the word. And when he was tempted he used his sword – the Bible (scripture) to defend him against the enemy. We have to stop acting as if God has not already equipped us to fight against sin because He has. Your accountability partner should be an addition to your prayer life and Christian walk –not a replacement for God.
  • Know the Bible and scripture.  Fight temptation with scripture. Jesus did it and so can we. We have dominion over sin. Understand temptation is not the sin. Falling into temptation is sin. In the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-11) when Jesus was tempted three times by the enemy, he did not cower out and cave in – he boldly cited scripture. That is the point of being a Christian – to know the Bible and have an intimate relationship with God - to love him more than we love the things of this world. I love when the enemy asked Jesus to bow down and worship him and Jesus replied, “It is written that we are to worship God and serve ONLY him” (Matthew 4:11).  So when that image pops up on your computer screen while you are searching for vacations, declare, “I have hidden your word in my heart so I may not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11) and press the “X.” Don’t give in to sin. Jesus didn’t and his dying on the cross indicates you are no longer victim to the aggrandizing of it.
  • Pray.  Prayer is the most intimate moments we can share with God.  It is communication with Him and perfectly fine to be vulnerable and broken before Him. God desires to make us whole. How can He do that if we refuse to talk to Him? 1 Thessalonians 5:17 tells us to, “Pray without ceasing.” So go ahead and pray to God. Tell Him everything and He will heal you as James 5:16 declares, “The fervent prayers of the righteous availeth much.”
  • Seek  Godly counsel/outreach. Entrust a pastor or Christian friend who is secure in his/her faith. The weak can't help the weak. Seek strong people in faith. Join an addiction ministry or outreach program. God Over Porn is an excellent movement and XXX Church both offer amazing support and accountability for those who desire and are recovering from porn.
After reading this, many may say, “Wow! A woman who was addicted to porn?” Yes, we exist but some religions and churches prefer to sweep issues as such under the rug as if it is mundane and nonexistent. And that is a crutch. Sin kills and destroys people and families.  I lost a good man to porn. And the truth is when I had the affair, the grass was NOT greener on the other side. Not at all. It took a crash and burn for me to realize that. I am since redeemed and I do not hold my life’s lens to who I was in the past. Paul proudly tells us in 2 Corinthians 5:17, Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”  I am a new creation in Christ Jesus. And you can be, too.

Porn leaves you empty. And you feel dirty. It will never satisfy you. That’s what sin does. It offers temporal pleasure but no eternal value.  But God’s love is eternal and Jesus Christ has an eternal gift for you – salvation. If you have not accepted Jesus as your Savior, read Romans 10. If you are lukewarm and have backslid, please know that until we become honest with ourselves and realize that the same sin and afflictions that occurred in the Bible, we endure today, we will continue to underestimate God’s power.  

If you are reading this and you love someone who struggles from porn addiction or any addiction, this is no coincidence that God allowed you to read or stumble upon this blog. Don't give up on that person or allow them to give in to sin. Support them through it. Point them to Christ. The blood of Jesus covers a multitude of sin. Please show them love:  Above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins(1 Peter 4:8).

The Bible boldly proclaims that. All of the answers to life’s struggle lie in the Bible, but if we don’t know the Bible we will never be free from the bondage of sin and if we are slaves to sin then the enemy wins every time.  I freely tell my testimony because I want the shackles of sin to fall off of anyone who struggles with this sin or any sin. There is freedom in knowing Christ. Will you go to him today and lay your addiction, whether it be porn, drugs, sloth, social media, lust, pride, gluttony, jealousy or whatever it is that binds you, at his feet? He’s waiting.




27 comments:

  1. Thank you for this. I'd love to get in touch for some follow-up info and advice, but don't see a means to do so. Anghellickarma@gmail.com is my email if you want to msg me. Hope to hear from you.

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    1. Email me at matkins282@gmail.com. Thank you so much. I gave tips in this blog to start you out. I pray you saw that.

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  2. MiMi this post is so moving. One of the hardest things to do is write about something so personal, I myself know that and couldn't even bring myself to do it and I admire you greatly for that. Keep it up!:) Read my testimony at emilyrosanna.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Awwwww.... My heart goes out to you for not being able to share. It is something I think that has to be with our mindset. If you are still bounded to people defining you then you will remain silent. God freed me from people but it took time in knowing my identity was solely in him not humans. I pray you will share one day because God gets the glory not us. And of course I will read your blog. Thanks for reading, Sis.

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  3. Ah sister I wish I could be as open about my past struggles as you are. I've been to dark places but now I am in the Light thanks to the Father. Hopefully one day I will be able to speak about my past.

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    1. God knows it all. And He forgives us of our sins when we repent and are heartfully sorry. Your story is for God's glory. Keep praying to be be bold and unashamed so you can free other's from the bondage of sin.

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  4. Very moving post, Mimi. I really appreciate your candor and strength to complete this entry. May God be with you every step of the way.

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    1. All glory to God. Thanks for reading. I pray you know God loves us and likes a repentant heart.

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  5. This is a wonderful testimony, it's nice to hear the struggle with pornography with women; proving it's an issue plaguing parts of the body across the board. Check out my my testimony in song here: http://snd.sc/1aKSP1h

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    1. God healed me and delivered me. Thanks for reading and I will check out your song, Brother.

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  6. Thanks for sharing this! I can indentify with this and I commend you for being real and sharing your story!!! I am so glad God redeemed you! He is amazing! XO XO

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    1. Amen, Sis! I never knew I was so weakened by it. It was a stronghold indeed. The seed was planted young sadly. I am whole now in Jesus. God gets all the glory for my transformation.

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  7. Hey sis, I want to apologize in advance for commenting on your blog being that it's about something else. I'm no longer on Facebook and I didn't know how else I could get in touch with you besides through your blog. May you give me your email please? Mine is jazmyneadams@yahoo.com

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  8. Glory to God.. As I read your testimony, I couldn't keep my tears from falling. I once struggled with the same addiction. Just like you, I felt empty, dissatisfied, and shameful. Every morning I would wake up feeling like I had an actual hole in my chest. It got the point where I would watch it while my children were in the other room. But thank God Almighty that I'm free. Oh, thank you Jesus. So glad that I was able to read your testimony. To God be the glory. God bless you Sister!!!

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  9. I really didn't want to be an anon but I couldn't remember my google password. Sorry!! But my Lord still have the glory!!

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  10. Awesome testimony of deliverance sis. I watched porn on internet sites & read urban novels with sexual subject matters. It seemed "oh im not like the women having babies with no husband" but that was demons having me compare myself to someone else & like,i was better than them. How disgusting I was. Such a Pharisee. I repented & it hasn't been long since I last saw a porn video (a relapse after a couple yrs) but ive been praying, reading the Word & staying away from books that have that as a subject matter or undertone

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  11. I'm new to your blog and I enjoy reading your posts. It's nice to meet another sis in Christ : ) Check out my new Christian blog http://teamjesusuk.blogspot.com

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  12. Came across your blog as a Godsend

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  13. I am a woman who became addicted to gay porn at a young age.I would watch it everyday,but then I prayed until I was released from the bondage. I still watch it from time to time, and I always hear the little voice in my head reminding me it's wrong. I'm no longer addicted to it. Now if only I can quit this smoking......you never know what your addiction is until you're addicted

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  14. Girl my jaw must have dropped three times during this article lol...but i admire that you are putting it out there to help others (:

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  15. Girl my jaw must have dropped three times during this article lol...but i admire that you are putting it out there to help others (:

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  16. Thank you for boldly sharing this. I can relate to the vulnerability of sharing past sins. As you said, it's not for us to be selfish, but to share with others. The struggle with porn addiction is something that isn't shared. Not only that but sexual sin in general. This is what we need more in the church. Keep speaking as the Lord leads. It's freeing people to share their stories. Blessings!

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  17. Thank you for boldly sharing this. I can relate to the vulnerability of sharing past sins. As you said, it's not for us to be selfish, but to share with others. The struggle with porn addiction is something that isn't shared. Not only that but sexual sin in general. This is what we need more in the church. Keep speaking as the Lord leads. It's freeing people to share their stories. Blessings!

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  18. My eyes became teary-eyed throughout reading this testimony. These are the testimonies that I LOVE! This kind of authenticity is what's missing from some of the churches. Sin will have us feeling shameful but we MUST KNOW that once we've truly repented and KNOW that our Father God has forgiven us, that sin can no longer bound us1! GOD BLESS YOU SIS, AND THANK YOU FOR BLESSING AND FREEING US WITH YOUR STORY!!!

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    1. No problem. Raven J. Thanks for reading. Transparency can set the captives free because we are indeed slaves to sin until we allow the Holy Spirit to transform our hearts coupled with the blood of Jesus and a reverential fear of God.

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